Staff of Light

I am going on vacation. I am really really ready for one. I may not have the opportunity to update this as much as I would like while I am gone.

I have to go and pack, but I will be sure to update as I can.

My wife and I are buying a house. It will have a large yard. I have been somewhat concerned about mowing the yard, and being able to get a mower. Eventually I want a riding mower, but I know that this year we will have to figure out something else.

I know this is going to be an issue as soon as we move in. However I decided not to worry about it. I gave this worry to the universe and I decided that I would just take things as they come.

My parents next door neighbors are moving. They offered to sell us there mower and snow blower for a very good price. The mower is a good mower, but it only bags, it does not mulch. However it was so cheap, and it fell right into our laps. Remembering my new motto’s (this one is take what the universe gives you), I gladly accepted.

My dad then decided that he always bags and that we should mulch (because of the size of our yard). So he said he would take the bag only mower and we could have his that mulches as well as bags.

By trusting and accepting and just going with the flow, my manifestation is coming true.
I now have the ability to mulch, which is what I was concerned about.

I just embraced the flow, decided that anything the universe gives me is good enough, I did not hold any expectations, or desires, or attachment to an outcome happening one way or another.

It worked out perfectly, and I think the manifestation is still in play.
But I hold no attachments. I don’t care. I just want the best thing to cut my lawn with. I don’t care what it is.

Not caring and engaging the people around you. I think these are very important keys to manifestation.

It was a long and crazy weekend.

I got home on Thursday night after having the car troubles around midnight. I was up and at work a little after 8, I had to take the car in.
Friday night we hosted a party for our business, we had about 90 people there, it was fun.
That ran from 7 pm to 6 am. I got home around 8 am and took a nap.

I was back up at 12:30 and off to a birthday party. I was conflicted about going. It was a picnic, outside, in the hot sun. I was really, really tired still.
But I willed myself to get up and get moving. So I went to the party.

It’s not that I didn’t want to be there, because I did. It was more that I was really tired and wanted to sleep longer.

But I went, because I knew I should. I had a good time. Because I got up and went (something that I did not have an inclination to do), I ended up having a good time, and making a difference.
I renewed a business contact with someone who somehow remembered me this time. He has never remembered who I was before.
I made a difference to the people who were there, and I de-stressed a little.

Engagement. Again it shows that I have to engage life, Participate in it and let the the universe bring me together with opportunities. If I don’t do what is presented, if I never go, if I always do things just the way I always have, nothing changes.

This weekend, I did a lot, I engaged a lot, and I feel like things changed, at least inside.

So for the rest of the week, I am going to engage, participate and see what happens.

Recently I started another project that I was really excited and enthused about. Last night I was working on it and I discovered I did not fully understand all the details. I was disappointed and rather frustrated.

I had a seminar to attend last night also, so I left for the seminar, feeling somewhat conflicted. It was a bit of a drive, and I noticed that my check gauges light had come on. I looked, and the temp gauge is in the red, 260 degrees. Great, so I pull over and turn off the car. I wait a few minutes and turn it back on. Same deal, overheating.
I was close to a friends house, I called them asking them to get a pitcher of water ready and I turned the heater on full blast, put down the windows and headed over. The temp fell to 210 when I did that.
I get over to the house and pop the hood. The coolant tank seemed to be full still, but I was not sure, so I poured water into it, and I waited. The engine stayed around 210, so I limped that car back home and I parked it.

I went inside and decided to watch tv to relax. That worked well. Around 11 pm I had to go and pick up my wife from her job. I went out, and I decided to drive our other car, the van, so not to risk over heating again.

I got in the van and started it up and pulled out of the driveway. It was late, and I was not very observant. I was driving down our street and I noticed the radio was not on, and I couldn’t find the button to turn it on no matter how much I pressed buttons. Then I had to turn, and I noticed the turn signals didn’t come on. I looked around, The speedometer was not working, the ac was not working, the fan was not working, many of the electronics were not functioning.
I was great, I must have blown a fuse I thought. But I was on the road, the exterior lights were fine, and I did not want to turn back. I decided I could just take back roads. I limped down and picked Jenni up.
I was feeling better about the van and what was happening, so I took a more direct route back.
I went to bed, feeling defeated.

It’s interesting, I had gotten really excited about something, and then had that somewhat dampened. That made me feel rather angry. Then my primary car overheats. Then I try and use the van, and it’s blown a fuse.
Vehicles are really important to me. They are extensions of me, and I really depend on my vehicles.
Obviously they need maintenance.
The passenger side front floor of the car has been mysteriously getting wet since May. I have not known what it was, it happens infrequently, and I forgot to take it in. But it indicated an issue.

The van has trouble in wet conditions, it has blown fuses before, and sometimes it does not start when wet. I have had it in to be looked at, but they have not found anything. It had stormed since the last time I drove the van, and I assumed that the fuses blew again.
But both vehicles, the same night acting up? That is a confluence of events that is hard to ignore.

The rest of the story.
This morning we got up, and made a plan. We were going to take the Envoy to the shop, and drive the van to work and check the fuses. I took the van and followed Jenni the 2 miles to the shop we take the car to sometimes.
As soon as I started the van I noticed a change. Everything was working again. There were no problems at all.
The car behaved also, but we still took it in. The shop thinks it may be a blocked AC vent. They are checking it out.

I know that this incident is a signal, a message I should be paying attention to. I am just a little unclear as to what it is.

I have had my emotional state be expressed in my material objects before. When I am stressed or angry, things break. It does happen.
I may not be staying center enough, going with the flow.

Later today I will meditate and see what it feels like. But for now, I am just going to look for the next best feeling thought.

Change your life. That has been a prevalent theme in the emails I have been receiving recently.
I am on many, many, many mailing lists for healing modalities, marketing opportunities, inspirational/motivational, spiritual mailing lists.

Today it seems like everyone I see proclaims it can help me change my life.

Of course I dismiss them as requested spam (mailing lists I have signed up for and occasionally find something useful but don’t read mostly).
My first thought is why are they all promising to change my life. Do they all think my life is so awful that I need them to change it.

I wonder what they know, what did I do when I signed up for this list that they all feel I need to change my life.

After I think about it a little more, I realize that they are sending these out to many, many, many people. This is a message that they feel will resonate with the people they are sending this newsletter out to. They feel that a good number of people want to change their life, are not happy with how their life is.

Now this is a commentary on the state of affairs in our region. Many people are not happy and looking for change, but just don’t know where that change is.
What does this say about us as a society.

I think it is saying that people are awakening, understanding that their is more to life and starting to look around. This is a wonderful thing.

Otherwise it my be a message for me. Maybe I do have to change my life, make changes that I have fearful of and putting off.
Maybe I have always gotten emails, or messages that have “change your life” in them, but I am just noticing them now, I am aware of them now, because now is the time.

That’s how intuition works sometimes. Sometimes it is just bringing things to your awareness, things that you say, huh, that’s odd. Things that are subtle.

Do I have to notice? Well I do. Do I have to assign meaning to it? No I don’t, but I may choose to.
That is the wonders of free will. I can be nudged, I can be shown things, but it is my choice to listen or to not listen.

I choose to listen, I choose to honor what my intuition brings to my awareness.

This year I have been making efforts to be more aware, to be more in the moment, to be happy with my life, and to let things flow.
But this is a change, it is breaking habits, it is staying in a different energetic space.
Sometimes I slip. Ok, I slip often. But that is ok, because it is part of my experience. I just work my way back into that space and observe, experience and let go, as much as I can.

So these emails, which is it?
Is it a message from my intuition?
Is it a commentary on contemporary society?
Is it that people are just drawn to use that hook right now?

I think it is perhaps all of them.
That is the wonderous thing. Not everybody is on all the same mailing lists I am, not everybody is going to get these in the same time frame I did.
So, this can be all things, this is how congruence works. People are drawn to help you with what you need, things group together and get your attention, and off you go.

I needed a little reminder that I am changing and working on it, and maybe need to stay more aware of this.
So here I am, changing my life, one moment at a time.

It was been a really busy couple of weeks. My wife and I are buying a house. We have been working on the process since April.
We were having issues with getting a mortgage, the bank we went with initially just was not making things easy.
I found a new place in early June. The next day we had our preapproval letter.

We submitted the offer and waited to hear. The following Monday (which was just a week ago, it seems longer) we found out that there was another offer. We upped our offer and waited some more. It was only 2 days, but it seemed like longer.

I knew it was going to be accepted. I knew since we saw the house that we were going to get it. There are just challenges that need to be over come.
Things have been crazy. We had to have the house inspected, work on paper work, select paint, decide how we are going to do what.

There is a lot of things going on. There are a lot of things I need to focus on, take care of. I have to think about how we are going to schedule the close, I have to think about how we are going to get repairs done (there are a few to do). I have to think about so many things.

The problem is, I am so busy thinking, I am so busy planning, that I am not enjoying.
I could argue that I like planning and thinking, and that for me thinking and planning are fun. It’s true, I do love envisioning.
However envisioning is only a tool. A tool to use to help clarify wants and create manifestations.

In order to power what I envision I need to take a step back, and spend time in the moment appreciating. Appreciating now, appreciating the experience of buying this house. Letting things flow and enjoying the ride. I have to spend time her in the now and not always in the future.

Of course I have to be aware of timing, July is a busy month for me. Still, I risk missing June.

I can think and plan, I guess I just need to be aware of what is going on also, how beautiful the flowers are in the yard, how the wind whispers in the tress.

I also need to be aware and process the emotions this process brings. The fear of being rejected (the offer), the fear of someone else getting it (being better than me), the fear of the huge amounts of money (commitment), the uncomfortableness of signing all these documents, the expectation of closing and being able to start work, the overwhelmness of all that we would like to do.

There is a lot here to experience, in the moment, as I enjoy this process.
So I need to take the time, smell the roses (even if they make me sneeze) and be aware.

Not good enough. I’m not good enough, the project is not good enough, the food is not good enough, my diet is not good enough, everything is not good enough.
Dissatisfaction. It is hard to live in a continual state of dissatisfaction. It is hard to have fun and enjoy yourself when you are always dissatisfied.

Recently I found out that I am dissatisfied. Nothing is good enough, nothing is perfect, nothing is just right. When nothing is right, then everything has to change. When everything is not good enough, one keeps seeking what is good enough, perfection.

I have never found perfection. I have never completed something and said, there – perfect. At least not that I can easily remember. I have been habitualized into thinking that it could always be a little bit better, a little bit different.

When did I learn this, how did I learn it. I thought, and I remember and I can see this pattern playing out in most of my life.
I determined it is part of a defense mechanism. If I am always the most critical about something, if I always see the flaws first, then if someone else dismisses it, or downgrades the work, I can agree and say, “yeah I see that too, if only I had….”

That way it does not hurt as much. It does not hurt as much to have something I am really proud of and have people I respect and look up to tear it down with their criticisms.

There are problems with this. First, the real problem is not me, it is often the person observing who offers the criticism, there is a reason they see the flaws, and it has to do with their perceptions of the world.

Second, when you are always looking for the flaws, always seeking out what is not right, that is what you put your attention on. What you put your attention on is what you attract more of into your experience.
Looking at the good aspects, will attract good aspects.

Third, when you always find the flaws it is hard to enjoy life, have fun in the moment, in the experience.
The secret is, every moment is perfect, every moment give us the option to choose how we feel, to be empowered with our choices, and to make new, empowered, inspired choices.

Some moments may not appear to be good, some moments really make us feel bad. But they are all a culmination of the choices we have made. The bad feelings are pointers to us to tell us we can make a difference choice, in that moment, to ensure that the next time this pattern plays out, we have a different ending.

So I have learned that I am good enough. Any actions I take that feel inspired, that make me feel good, are good enough, and that the world, and the moment are good enough.

I get annoyed. I do. Sometimes I get frustrated with other people.
Many years ago I learned something very important.
Don’t judge other people, but assess.

Don’t judge, but assess. There is a difference there, judgment has emotions with it. judgments rise our of beliefs people have, beliefs I have. When something does not align with my belief I feel resistance and I want to judge it. This can quickly get emotional.

Assessing is more intellectual, you observe something and decide if it fits or not.

In my opinion an example of a judgment goes something like “The idiot, can’t he drive a car, why is he drifting into my lane stupid! *honk*”
While an assessment of the situation would be “That other driver appears to be having issues control their car, I should slow down or speed up and get away from them.

The assessment takes into account the other persons behavior and allows you to formulate a plan of action and execute it. In the above example my belief is that the other driver should stay in their own lane. Whether or not I believe this and feel it is true that driver may or may not stay in their lane. Instead of honking and getting in their space, defending my belief, I choose to remove myself from the situation.

In this case my belief is true, for me, but does not mean that everyone is going to respect that or do that. It is just better to move.
However when our beliefs are challenged we can get real emotional really fast.

The above example is simplistic. It really is a no-brainer, and it is easy to remove ourselves from the situations.
Yet people really get worked up on the road, they judge and defend their way of driving, be it (perceived) safe or (perceived) unsafe.

It’s harder in relationships. In any relationship there is a commitment, and a time investment. This is true for sales, friends, family, whatever. Every relationship takes time and energy, just to different degrees. When beliefs clash in a relationship it is hard to “remove oneself”. Partially because of the energy set up in the system (relationship).

It has been driven home to me this week, repeatedly that what I find annoying in other people is just a reflection of what I find most annoying in myself.

It’s really hard to understand the reflections, and to embrace them. But these are very valuable tools. These reflections point out what I need to work on right now, today.

There are many tools to help with this introspection. One of them, “The Work” by Byron Katie I have been using a lot more recently.
It works. It helps me understand others better, and understand myself better.

It also helps me identify my beliefs (that I have built), and really choose if they are still valid for me today.
Some beliefs are easier to give up than others, and some I am not ready to give up yet.

That’s ok.

I have not mastered “The Work” yet. There are still issues I am dealing with. Their are somethings I just can’t accept or tolerate, and I don’t know how “The Work” lets me deal with them, or rather I do, but I don’t want to implement the techniques.

It is important that everyone protects themselves and does not let themselves start a victimization pattern, or blame themselves for the things that annoy them. That is another issue I am working on.

I see the reflections of myself in the people around me, and I can’t blame them or say I need them to do better if I am unwilling to do better myself.

So change starts with me, and for me, right now the change is complete acceptance of all my situations.

These annoyances that I see are now things I embrace (if not quite gladly) as I recognize them for the teaching tools they are.

A couple of weeks ago my cell phone broke. It is the only phone I have, so I use it for most everything. I can receive texts, I can receive calls, but I cannot place calls or send texts. I have a phone with a touch screen only, and the screen broke. It is really frustrating.

So I took it in and found out that I would have to pay a $100 deductible to get it fixed (since I have insurance on it). This is the second one of these phones I have had, and the second one that has broken in the same way. No one has been able to explain to me how it breaks or why. There is no physical damage on the outside, but the inside is damaged somehow.

I decided I did not want this phone again, so I started looking at what my options are to replace it. I then learned about the upcoming Palm Pre. I read about it, I learned about it, and I decided that I could wait for that phone to come out, as it seems better than any other phone available on the Sprint network (in my opinion Sprint has always been behind the curve in terms of phones).

At the time I did not have a release date, or a price for the phone, but the user community seemed sure it was going to be coming soon.
So I waited.

I kept reading about it, searching for information as to when it would be released, so I could decide if I was going to wait for it or not.
Finally the big day arrived. The release announcement. However it was a release announcement that the release date would be released the following Tuesday.

I was like “what?”. So I waited until the next Tuesday, reading everything I could about it, looking for hints as to when it will be out.
Finally the date of the release was announce. June 6th. 2 days from now.

I had to wait another 2 weeks. I could do that, I was learning how to manage with my phone and deal with the frustration. I had learned so much about the Palm Pre, I had invested so much time into it, so my energy into it, another 2 weeks did not seem unreasonable.

So, I am waiting. Everyday I check the internet reading about what features it will have, reviews from the lucky people who got it early, anticipating when I will have it myself.

I keep telling myself, it’s almost there, on Saturday I can have it. Saturday at 8 am I will get it.

I am caught up in it. I have invested energy and time into this device. I have made an emotional commitment to it.
Walking away from it at this point would be very hard.

If my phone had not broken, I probably would not have even known about this phone until after it was launched, probably not really looking at it until someone on my plan needed a new phone.

But my phone broke, I did learn about it, I am excited about it, and I am wrapped up in it. This phone is not an end all gadget, but it does meld some things I have been wanting in a device for quite a while. It is what I have been looking for and wanting for years.
It is finally available.

Why did my phone break, in a way that can’t be explained?
If it was just to give me the opportunity to get this phone I think it could have broken today and saved me a lot less frustration.

However it broke earlier. It has caused me frustration. But it has also allowed me to become really excited about something, it has given me anticipation, something that I have not really felt in quite a while.
It has allowed me to remember how hard it is without a phone in the current world. It allowed me to remember how grateful I am to have a cell phone that can send texts, get email, and store my info.

It has allowed me to meet new people and make new contacts in my search for information.

There are a lot of things that have happened because of the phone troubles I have been having.
But the thing that strikes me the most, right now, is that once again, God’s time is perfect and in each moment I should look for the joy and perfection that is there.

Hi, it’s June. I now consider my website “productive”. That does not mean fully functional, but close. I am pretty happy with how it is turning out.

I have added the classes I will be offering in June and July (I may add some more for July. I am planning a vacation and I am just waiting to finalize the dates).
The August schedule will be available very soon.

I did quite a bit of work on things over the weekend, but I was slow. I felt like I was moving through molasses to get anything accomplished. It was very hard. Yesterday was a unfocused and scattered day for me also. Generally when Mercury is retrograde I feel like this, but it just came out of being retrograde, so I am not sure what is dragging on me right now.

Keep watching, I have another book review coming up this week.