Staff of Light

I have been really busy, which means I have been neglecting my posting. That is hard for me, because I have so many thoughts and ideas I want to write down.
However at work I had a huge project going into production (over the last weekend). I have been working on this project all year. I have been testing and documenting and nailing down everything to ensure a smooth upgrade.

Friday afternoon came and it was time to start the upgrade. The beginning went like clock work. However at the first check point we encountered a small issue during testing. It was not a significant issue, I was ready to proceed, but my upgrade partner wanted to resolve it.

We called the vendor, and it was easily resolved. However they wanted to run through our upgrade plan. The vendor thought there was a better way to do it.
So we scrapped our plan and went with the vendors way. The way they suggest, which did not work in our test environment. They were sure they could get it to work.

5 hours later they have produced an alternative method, not our way, not their way, but something in between.
At this point we have done so much stuff that we need to go with this new method. So we get ready to implement it.

Then the database administrator raises a concern that halts us again. We have to have a teleconference, and it gets to be a big mess.

Finally we get to start the upgrade process around 11 pm at night.

It was a long night. Saturday started it up again. We got done around 8 pm on Saturday night.

It was pretty brutal.

I was left wondering what exactly happened. How did it get to this point, it should have been a simple upgrade, I had my bases covered. Yet somehow I dropped the ball.
I did not stick with my plan, I let the vendor influence me.
I did not have full engagement from the database group. I thought I had, but we missed a piece in our analysis.

I found myself wishing I had a job I am good at. Feeling like I am not good at my job.

I am good at my job. I got us through the upgrade within the window. We did navigate the challenges that came up.
I am working on clean up today.

However the project is a reflection of my inner state, my inner beliefs. I do miss things, I do over look things, and deep inside I believe I am not good enough.

It is hard to uncover these beliefs and transform them into positive beliefs, but it is worth the effort. Diane and Loren Mickelson have written a powerful newsletter this month on this.

Make sure you go to their website www.drsmick.com to check it out.

This experience was hard and uncomfortable, but it is a valuable pointer to me as to what I need to work on inside myself.

It is amazing how these events reflect our inner states.

Things go well, or thing go not so well. Things happen. We experience events and we form opinions about whether we enjoyed them or not. Ideally we choose not to repeat experiences we do not enjoy, and repeat experiences we enjoy, or try and have experiences that we enjoy.

Without the the contrast we actually would not be able to fully appreciate the enjoyment of our positive experiences. I know this, but that does not always help.
Sometimes I still get depressed and end up in break down. Break down is when you are misaligned with the source, your feelings are low energy, and things just don’t seem to work. In Breakdown your mind gets busy worrying about things and pointing out all the reasons it was right to worry in the first place.

It can be very hard for me to get my mind back under control and re-align myself with the flow.

I know it does not have to be hard, all it takes is reaching to the next positive thought. The difficult part for me is the willingness to do this. I sometimes feel like sulking, and holding on to my worries, hoarding them like a miser hoards gold.

I have the choice to stay in this energy level, I have the choice to be upset, to worry the people around me, letting them know how upset I am, trying to get attention. I have the choice to worry and fret and not enjoy this moment, or the next moment, or any moment until I make a different choice.

But the person I really hurt is myself. I deprive myself of finding joy in these moments. I deprive myself of other experiences and just being happy.

Currently I am upset due to my financial situation, like so many people are. I just don’t have enough money this month.

I have been consumed with wondering how I am going to pay my bills at the end of the month. I have been worrying about how to conserve my cash and cut expenses this month. I have been looking for ways to increase my cash flow quickly.

However when I have been doing these activities, I have been coming from fear, from misalignment. Things are not going to work when I approach it from that energy level.

I have the choice to stress over this and potentially make it worse, or I can choose to reach for the next highest thought and realign and trust.

It’s true that I currently don’t have the money to pay my bills in the next 2 weeks, but I have enough money right now to buy food and take care of my expenses today. We have cash coming in, and I can’t say for sure it is not enough. I can choose to think that in this moment, I am abundant, I have everything I need, and I can expect the same to be true in the next moment.

It is a nicer thought than I am totally in lack, and it helps me to align.

I can choose to look at things from a higher perspective, and that automatically draws me up into a higher energy. First I have to decide that I am willing to look at it from that way, that I am willing to give up the fear.

I am willing. Here’s to the next higher thought.

Flow-er of energy. When we really are inspired, when we are really are passionate about what we are doing, we really blossom and become our full selves.

It’s being in the flow. When we are fully aligned with our source energy, we know what we love to do, and when we do it, we blossom. We flow with the energy, let the energy flow through us and into our creation. Our actions are inspired, our work is easy, things fall into place, and it feels good.

It’s kinda like a flower. The flower reaches up for the suns energy, it takes it in, lets it flow through it, and then it blossoms into a beautiful creation. The flower allows the flow and knows exactly what to do with the energy. This can be a model for us also, allow the energy to flow, trust that we know what to do with it, and allow it to happen.

All to often I resist the flow. I want to model it to be my way, for things to work out according to my ego. I want my petals to be red, when really they might be red and yellow, I just won’t allow it to happen because I am to busy deciding how I want it to be.

That does not work. I get to choose that I want an experience, and focus on the experience I want to attract. I can focus on having beautiful petals, and having vibrant greenery and the universe will bring the expression of this experience in the best way for me.

I am like a flower, flowing energy and allowing the expression to shine forth.

At least I am right now, and in the end, right now is all that matters. I am in the flow.

Just now, when I was writing that sentence I thought about later, and all the things I have to do. That got me out of the flow momentarily. But I brought my focus back to what I am doing, and I am back into the flow. Right now, right here. That is all I want, right now, is to be here, typing this, and stay connected to the flow. I don’t want to think about yesterday, i don’t want to consider/worry about the future. I am enjoying being present, focusing on this, feeling the keys under my fingers (they are somewhat greasy today), feeling my body, and being in the now.

One of my favorite authors is Jerry and Ester Hicks. They channel Abraham, a group energy, and I love their material. Everyday they have a quote from one of their seminars on their website. I check it each moment.

http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

Today’s quote got me thinking about this topic.

From the Nonphysical, you created you, and now from the physical, you continue to create — and we are nothing if we are not flow-ers of Energy. We must have objects of attention, that are ringing our bells, in order to feel the fullness of who we are — flowing through us — for the continuation of All-That-Is. That is what puts the eternalness in eternity.
— Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Silver Spring, MD on Saturday, April 19th, 1997